"Your value doesn`t decrease based on someone`s inability to see your worth."
If you had friendships or relationships that ended (either because of you or another person), if you felt affected by other people`s reactions (positively or negatively), if you are someone whose mind can be overtaken by so-called "Saboteurs" (who judge, doubt, or just pull you down), this article may be for you.
I had ended friendships myself - it was an act to choose FOR my wellbeing and not necessarily AGAINST them. I also have grown my awareness, such that it can be quite a burden to be aware of my own motivations as well as the other person`s, while the other person is only aware of their own. I also tend to have a big, open heart and am quite sensitive - and sometimes I feel people are actually, unconsciously or consciously, taking benefit from my kindness, assuming I wouldn`t be able to say "NO" and then suddenly be surprised and retaliate back when I do. In a nutshell, it seems to be a catch 22 - I love investing in my personal development, but I seem to not be able to deal with the effects of outgrowing my surrounding, which only motivates me more to look into personal growth to understand people, situations, my life better.
It is a tricky thought process that has exhausted me to this day - how do I set boundaries without feeling guilty? How do I deal with people who are just not at par with me and yet have compassion for where they are? How do I not take people`s harsh feedback personally, without closing off my heart? I don`t know yet what this bit of a dilemma wants to teach me, but I am willing to go through this process mindfully.
Here are a few wisdoms that I have gained so far and that I would like to share with you today in case you have had similar experiences, thought processes, questions:
Whether you have friends or not, people don`t define your worth. Yes, we can feel loved and great if we are celebrated and cared for by our people, esp. those who matter to us, too. But our worth is not dependent on whether someone loves us or not. This is something we have to remind ourselves of because in our current society, it is the exact opposite that we are living. It seems that only with a partner and millions of followers, you are someone, you are loved, you are special. Even though we may understand rationally that someone can still feel lonely in a relationship or that millions of followers doesn`t mean they will all visit you at the hospital or are all genuinely interested in you (some may just follow out of curious sensation).
Because of society`s way how to deal with friendships (quantity over quality), people (or their Saboteurs) may get triggered when a friendship is ending, meaning one less friend (even though this friend is not matching). Being triggered by fear then always calls out painful reactions as we can observe in politics or society.
It is not your fault if a friendship has ended, whether the decision was from you or someone else. A relationship always involves two and often the other person wants you to feel bad or guilty, because it is hurtful and/or lonely for them.
Nourish yourself, put yourself first, be kind to yourself. I understand if this is something that you don`t know yet how to do, esp. if it is has been more common for you to meet others` expectations rather than yours first.
Don´t judge your judgments - be mindful and compassionate with what you are going through. It is like a hurricane that has come over you (the Saboteur thoughts) and rather than shouting and screaming at the hurricane (which can knock you off anytime and which will not change much), you can just hold yourself, focus on one next step, to slowly arrive at the center of the hurricane that is peaceful, calm, and silent, until the hurricane is over and the sun is rising.
Love, from me to you,
Would you like to go deeper in a free Coaching session? Let me know by sending an email to firstname.lastname@example.org – I very look forward to hearing from you! :) PS: Subscribe to my #mindfulmagic Newsletter to stay in touch for upcoming posts, free offers, and news :)
Inspiration: Resilient Leaders Elements (Free First Assessment)
Reflection: What is only one next step I can take?
Intention: My worth is not defined by the relationships I have or don`t have.
Viet Linh Le is a female visionary, qualified coach with corporate experience, and multi-cultural founder of @vietnamwellbeing, with the mission to change our world by coaching the next-generation decision-makers. Find out more on www.vietlinhle.com