When you get ghosted and learn about releasing judgments

Updated: Apr 10, 2021

"Real magic in relationships means an absence of judgments of others." - Wayne Dyer

This weekend I was so paralyzed by analysis that I was aware I was disconnected and dissonant from myself. My judgments, thoughts, and worries, all coming from my fearful ego, overshadowed my mind and perceptions, leading to less productive days and clouding anything else, too. When I was with my family, my dark cloud would be there. When I moved back to my room, the cloud would follow. When I was ready to call it the day, my cloud was vividly present as everything else was sleeping. I couldn`t even read a spiritual book on how the Universe has our back. I felt so sad and low from my cloud that, though I was aware of its presence, I didn`t know how to deal with it.

One of the trigger moments was that a guy ghosted me. I didn`t realize it until I was reflecting on our interactions and eventually understood he had ghosted me, i.e. stopped texting me, all of a sudden. Now, I know this is quite a common phenomenon in the dating scene, where people date casually, so you feel less obliged and committed to other people. My friends have told me so many stories about it living the mantra that if a guy doesn`t show enough interest, than we can take this as a sign and stop being interested, too. Somehow this didn`t make click for me yet, I guess I still have some behavioral pattern in me that I cling to the shiny past (ignoring all the bad signs) before I need to accept the reality and let it finally go. I am also still trying to learn to trust the Universe or a higher force believing in detours to the right direction rather than taking it personally, e.g. "what is wrong with me?" (to me, latter is also linked with women`s conditioned upbringing to adhere to the "good-student" image, determining our understanding of self-worth). All in all, I was saddened by the guy`s ghosting, and put this topic to rest, after reading an article on Cosmopolitan (I know haha).

Until I woke up this morning, still saddened with low mood. I already decided, to not resist what I was feeling, that my day will be sad and dark, with the necessary self-care, until I started my morning routine. First, I think taking a shower can help refresh our body and mind. I then did a very short 5min Yoga exercise (with Adriene), journaled, and then meditated to release or rather accept my negative emotions (guided by Christian Bischoff in German). But it wasn`t until my inspirational break where I felt a real shift in me. I always take 20min to read - currently I am reading "The 4-Hour Work Week" by Timothy Ferris, but today I decided to continue reading my evening book, that is, "The Universe Has Your Back: Transform Fear to Faith" by Gabrielle Bernstein.

Bernstein talks about, building also on the famous and often referenced book "A Course in Miracles", that we can bring in more love in our lives, let love guide our decisions and actions, and clear our perceptions with love. We can do so by leaning to the Universe, surrendering to "universal" guidance, and, thus, practicing trust instead of control, faith instead of fear. Often fear, esp. triggered by our world as it is today, is clouding our perceptions, thoughts, and actions. To break this and come back to our true nature and power, we can always and easily invite love back in. I highly recommend reading more in this book as I understand this may sound either too easy or good to be true. This morning, when I opened the book, I read a new chapter on judgments. I love learning about judgments - although I often teach mindfulness by preaching letting go of our judgments, I still fail to do so. I love to live the spiritual concepts of oneness and love, but somehow I seem to always fall back into my usual habits of stressful thinking and living as everyone does. So this chapter was like a universal sign itself to help me learn more about judgments.

As you know from my blog post yesterday, I am facing a difficult conversation with a friend. Although I set my intention to be centered and more loving, I could feel no big shift in me. I was trapped in my pain, in my judgments about the friend and the situation. When the guy ghosted me, I also judged him, my situation, and myself. Both situations put me down and I saw that part of my pain was coming from my rigid judgments. I openly read Bernstein`s chapter on judgments and learned the following:

  • We live in a world with the current media and pop culture implying that we are "less than" or "more than". It is a status-based world, we are used to think judgmentally, even if we don`t notice it.

  • Judgments divert the attention away from our own feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, fear.

  • Judgments are a way to not look at our own shadows and topics, but to focus on others`.

  • Judgments separate us from one another, which creates suffering, disconnection, and powerlessness.

  • If we don`t want judgments to take our power and connection to ourselves and others, we need to be willing to bring in love and ask the Universe (or a higher force) to guide us and see our situation with love.

When reading this chapter, I immediately felt lighter as a veil has just lifted. I was more myself again, free from my Saboteur thoughts going round and round, blocking me from my resources, blocking me in my relationships, and blocking me from the very present moment of life. My day has shifted quickly, I can literally see the light rising from the darkness I had been in. If I had conceded for a sad day to come, I was now open to explore other possibilities and, yes, miracles, for my day ahead of me. May love guide me through my conversation with my friend, through my relationship with the guy, through my life. I know I need to start small, step by step, by observing and then releasing my many judgments. At the end, this has become an ingrained habit in ourselves, so I am not only ready to be kind and patient towards myself, but also lean to the Universe for guidance and support.

Have you noticed your judgments throughout your day? Let me know by sending an email to hello@vietlinhle.com – I very look forward to hearing from you! :) PS: Subscribe to my #mindfulmagic Newsletter to stay in touch for upcoming posts, free offers, and news :)


This week`s ...

  • Inspiration: Khalil Gibran - The Prophet

  • Reflection: How can I turn my judgments into non-judgments?

  • Intention: I observe my judgments without judgments, and replace them with loving thoughts.